Y'ALL I HAVE EXACTLY ONE WEEK TILL I LEAVE FOR YOUTH BECOMING LEADERS IN WILMORE, KENTUCKY!!! Someone wanna pinch me?!
I can't tell you how excited I am. Or how nervous. I can't wait for my time in Kentucky, but I also need to be really real here. I am also very, very afraid.
There are so many unknowns. So many things I don't know yet and can't control (and let me tell you, this girl likes being in control!). And suddenly, that's all starting to hit me. I've already started monitoring the forecast for every city we'll stop in for our flight (anyone else hate turbulence?), and I've began to recognize the reality that I will be in an entirely different state from my family and twin sister for two full weeks. It's kinda a big deal for me. Also, I haven't even begun to pack, and that is task that is daunting all on its own!
But as I sit here this Sunday morning and think about each of these fears and concerns, I can't help but be drawn into the Lord's peace. It's like He's tapping me on the shoulder gently and drawing me into His arms, inviting me to step out into the storm with Him, with His grace and power.
I saw this character of God clearly last night as I struggled to sleep through at least six hours straight of thunderstorms in our area. I already hate thunderstorms, and they never fail to wake me up and make me as terrified as a five-year-old. No joke: I seriously still go sleep on the floor of my parents' bedroom because I get so scared! So last night when the thunder and lightning blew in, my instant reaction was fear and dread. I have received lots of helpful and encouraging advice on coping strategies to stop the panicky feelings I get during bad weather, but it often times doesn't help much because I simply can't calm down. However, last night was kind of different. For the first time since I can remember, I actually felt relatively calm during the storms. The occasional loud clap of thunder would still startle me, but my physical reaction to my anxiety wasn't nearly as strong as it normally is, and I can only attribute that to the work of the Holy Spirit.
I still don't like thunderstorms, and I still don't look forward to having to face any more fears...but I can do so knowing my God goes with me. In fact, I believe He is calling me out of my fears. Last night, He was having me face my fears. Yes, it was a little scary at times, but He was faithful, so faithful. I stand here to say that I safely lived through that storm like it was no big deal.
Jesus said: "I came that they may have life, and have it more abundantly." An abundant life meaning full of joy and less full of stress and anxiety. When I think about this, it reminds me that His love came for me to live my life to the full, not to cower at every dangerous possibility. I think that when we accept Jesus's invitation to face our fears, we are truly stepping out of our anxiety and into love. And that is what an abundant life looks like. That is what Jesus is talking about.
So as I venture into this exciting, somewhat scary season of unknowns and adventures, I pray that I may trust the Lord and accept His invitation into whatever He has for me. And I pray for all of us to continue courageously taking His hand and taking the leap of faith out of fear and into love and abundant life. We have a good God who loves us, cares for us, and will never let us down. Will you choose to trust Him?
Also, if you have any fears that I can be praying for you in facing, please don't hesitate to contact me. I would be honored to pray for you as we journey out of fear and into the love of Jesus Christ.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Pursued
Since the day you were born, you have been pursued by a loving, almighty God. He's been chasing after you, trying to win your heart since you took your first breath. Did you ever know that?
I've recently fallen in love with the word pursuit. Like it makes me ridiculously giddy to think about the idea of being pursued by God, and I don't really know why.
I hear a lot of people say "God's love has been there all along, just waiting for you to open your eyes and come accept it." I generally agree with this statement, but a few years ago, a friend really challenged me on that. Yes, it's most certainly true that His love has always been there...but not just passively sitting around. His love has been chasing us, running after us since He first created us. And when we don't see Him, I don't think it's because He can't catch up to us, it's that we're so focused on whatever else we're running to for whatever reasons (for love, for acceptance, for freedom, for joy...) that we miss that He truly has been there all along. And He uses just the perfect moment to finally catch us aside and open our eyes to the true love that is found in Him.
When I think about the word pursuit, I automatically envision the ideal-Hallmark-movie-style romance. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE Hallmark movies; they're my guilty pleasure! They are pretty cheesy, but they're also crazy sweet, and their love stories usually involve some sort of pursuit. Isn't that how the best love stories are, though? The person has this dream for their soulmate or dream guy/girl, meanwhile they have a close friend who actually is that dream person for them and they just don't realize it yet. Then finally, after lots of effort and PURSUING on the undiscovered friend's part, the main character finally sees it.
As humans, we naturally crave love, acceptance, and affection. It explains why so many of us find so much stress surrounding our relations with others--whether romantic or just friendly. But why wait for Prince Charming to fall for you when the King of Kings laid down His life for you?
No matter where you stand in this life, you are known, loved, seen, and PURSUED by God. He doesn't just love you, He wants you. He desires to be in relationship with you. If we really believed this truth, how would it change things? How would it change our lives?
I encourage you to remember this today: you are being (constantly) pursued by a God who loves you and cherishes you as His bride. No inch of your life is hidden from Him, and no ugliness in your life could make Him love you any less. You are wanted and loved by Him. Live your life confidently knowing that.
I've recently fallen in love with the word pursuit. Like it makes me ridiculously giddy to think about the idea of being pursued by God, and I don't really know why.
I hear a lot of people say "God's love has been there all along, just waiting for you to open your eyes and come accept it." I generally agree with this statement, but a few years ago, a friend really challenged me on that. Yes, it's most certainly true that His love has always been there...but not just passively sitting around. His love has been chasing us, running after us since He first created us. And when we don't see Him, I don't think it's because He can't catch up to us, it's that we're so focused on whatever else we're running to for whatever reasons (for love, for acceptance, for freedom, for joy...) that we miss that He truly has been there all along. And He uses just the perfect moment to finally catch us aside and open our eyes to the true love that is found in Him.
When I think about the word pursuit, I automatically envision the ideal-Hallmark-movie-style romance. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE Hallmark movies; they're my guilty pleasure! They are pretty cheesy, but they're also crazy sweet, and their love stories usually involve some sort of pursuit. Isn't that how the best love stories are, though? The person has this dream for their soulmate or dream guy/girl, meanwhile they have a close friend who actually is that dream person for them and they just don't realize it yet. Then finally, after lots of effort and PURSUING on the undiscovered friend's part, the main character finally sees it.
As humans, we naturally crave love, acceptance, and affection. It explains why so many of us find so much stress surrounding our relations with others--whether romantic or just friendly. But why wait for Prince Charming to fall for you when the King of Kings laid down His life for you?
No matter where you stand in this life, you are known, loved, seen, and PURSUED by God. He doesn't just love you, He wants you. He desires to be in relationship with you. If we really believed this truth, how would it change things? How would it change our lives?
I encourage you to remember this today: you are being (constantly) pursued by a God who loves you and cherishes you as His bride. No inch of your life is hidden from Him, and no ugliness in your life could make Him love you any less. You are wanted and loved by Him. Live your life confidently knowing that.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
My Story
My story begins in a near-empty room with a woman on her knees, desperate for some sign of peace, some sign of hope from the loving God she knew. Three miscarriages had left my sweet mama tired, wounded, and, quite frankly, hopeless....until she went to Jesus.
Because my mother was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix, it was incredibly difficult for her to carry a baby full term. Several years before my birth she faced the loss of Caleb, my brother, at 18 weeks, and a year later, my sister, Alayna, at 20 weeks. Her third attempt ended in a first trimester miscarriage. After that third miscarriage, my parents began to worry they would never have a successful pregnancy. Still, they tried once more...but this time was different. Normally, they found they were able to conceive rather quickly after trying, and at this point, fertility was the least of their concerns, but this time around, they had much more trouble. They couldn't get pregnant, and they had no idea why.
So brings us back to where I started off, with my mama on her knees in the bedroom. My mother recalls that at this point she knew something wasn't working and that her only option was to go to God....and so she did. Both my parents spent time praying, hoping to receive some answer or sign from God, and eventually, they received what they were looking for in the craziest of ways. Upon meeting up after praying, my parents both revealed what they thought God had spoken into their hearts. My mother heard, "Try for three more months." My father heard, "Try until June." June was exactly three months later. It was a crazy coincidence, and they knew it was the Lord speaking to them. They waited and tried until June, and only a few short weeks later discovered they were finally pregnant...with TWINS.
My parents were equally surprised and concerned to find out about their new pregnancy because there was still a good chance that with my mother's condition she couldn't carry us full term. In the months to come, our family-to-be was surrounded by prayer and support, and God was faithful. My sister and I were born two months early, but we had no major medical issues or concerns and left the hospital after a month in the neonatal intensive care unit. Not your normal birth story, but for our family, it was nothing short of a miracle.
After all that they'd been through, my parents named me "Hope" because of the indescribable hope my mom says she felt when she prayed for us to be a reality. My parents named my sister "Janae," which means God has answered. Indeed, He did! And I feel just as blessed to have my parents as they feel to have me.
With that foundation, having been "prayed into existence" as my parents say, I grew up in a loving environment with a Christian family, going to church every week and saying prayers before bed. But it wasn't until I was about ten years old that Jesus really stepped into my life and I feel my faith truly became my own.
It was at age ten that my grandfather passed away due to pancreatic cancer. That was the first family death I had ever experienced. I was (and really I still am!) a sensitive little girl, and it hit me hard. I remember coming home from his funeral and crying in the shower. My tears fell and so did my worries, concerns, mourning, and pain. It was the first time I ever really had to cry out to God. It was my only response. My grandfather was in heaven now, and any connection I had to him comforted my heart. And so I believe that's why God chose that specific moment to truly make Himself real to me.
Amidst the mourning and the sadness, I felt this sense of peace. It was like the pain was still there and the tears were still flowing, but they were accompanied by a sense of calmness and even joy beyond my understanding. I began to hear the Lord say, "Child, you are okay. Come and just rest in me." On the night of the funeral, God embraced me in the like the biggest bear hug ever, and it changed my life. I leaned on Him heavily during that time, and each night in the shower I found myself continuing to connect back with Him. I began to know and understand His grace and the power of His Spirit, and I tried to seek Him in every action, just wanting to please this good good God I had come to know.
In that time He provided so much growth, revealed so much of His love, and gave me so much peace, but there were definitely moments of difficulty too. As I began to know and love Him more, Satan tried to step in, and for the next few years, the love that Christ had filled my life with was also combated by overwhelming fear and anxiety. I struggled with fears of robbers, terrorists, ghosts, cancer, natural disasters--you name it--and I worried about my grades, performance, and identity, While His love never changed for me, I began to distort it in my own OCD/anxiety way, and looking back, I can see that I started to mistakenly and unconsciously view the Lord as more of a judging, stern God, not as the loving Father He truly is. I knew He loved me, but I forgot what that meant, and instead I condemned myself for each and every mistake or sin I made and busied my brain trying to think of ways to please Him. I didn't realize it then, but I was burning my little heart out with the heavy expectations I had self-inflicted meanwhile missing out on the love and GRACE of God, the pure, unearned favor He had for me simply because I was His child.
Again, flash forward a couple years, and my anxiety lessens but the hard-on-myself, perfectionistic attitude does not. I'm in sixth grade at this point and had just started middle school and along with that became a part of our church's student ministry. A few months in, I went on my first Winter Retreat, and there the Lord opened my eyes again to the goodness of His love. I don't remember the night super well, but I remember what the speaker said during the worship service. He was going over the Resurrection story but eventually broke into really explaining the power of what that meant for our lives. I just remember Him saying at one point over and over again, "He loves you. He loves you. He loves YOU. He loves you, He loves you, He LOVES you." It sounds super silly on the computer or your phone to read, but I can tell you it impacted me. The presence of God's Holy Spirit was in that sanctuary that night, and I recognized and reconnected with His love, accepting Him officially into my life for the first time, and decided to continue to seek after Him for the rest of my life.
The years since then have been interesting twists and turns of emotion and life that I could tell you in another blog post twice as long as this one, but in every moment, He's teaching me and showing me more of His love. Since that night on the retreat, I've had several run-ins again with anxiety and other troubles in the lives of myself, my friends, and my family. But the Lord, oh how He has been there through it all! Oh, how His love has never changed! And oh, how I love that He teaches me more everyday about Him, shows me more of His goodness and more of His grace. With each struggle has come a greater understanding of Him and growth in my faith. I love that in each part of my life He's shown me this constant story of turning the broken into beautiful, the bad into good, the pain into wonder, the ugly into awesome. And isn't that what He does? Isn't that the heart of who He is? God makes all things beautiful, He makes all things new. That is something I celebrate and long to bring to every person who reads this blog and every person I come into contact with. I am not perfect at doing that. I am by no means a perfect Christian or a perfect person. But I serve a good, good Father, and I love that He does not measure me by my own performance or attempts at perfection. He loves me as His daughter. And He has made my brokenness beautiful.
These are two verses He has really spoken to me as I've been writing this post and reminiscing on this crazy journey of life He's brought me on. I pray they encourage you and speak into your heart more about the love of God.
{Psalm 30:11} "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."
{Psalm 34:5} "Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame."
As I [try to!] wrap up this novel of a post, I am praying for you. Praying that as I have shared my story, you would see Christ and not me. Praying you would know His love better. Praying that you would have courage to share your own story with others, however crazy or wacky or weird it may be. And praying that He continues to show you more just how much He loves you and who you are in His love as a daughter, son, child of faith.
I love each of you reading this so much (even if I don't know you!), but the Lord loves you unbelievably more. If you ever want to talk or have anything I can be praying for you for or encouraging you in specifically, please please reach out to me. I would love to do that for you in the love He has blessed me with. ;)
Love always,
Hope
Because my mother was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix, it was incredibly difficult for her to carry a baby full term. Several years before my birth she faced the loss of Caleb, my brother, at 18 weeks, and a year later, my sister, Alayna, at 20 weeks. Her third attempt ended in a first trimester miscarriage. After that third miscarriage, my parents began to worry they would never have a successful pregnancy. Still, they tried once more...but this time was different. Normally, they found they were able to conceive rather quickly after trying, and at this point, fertility was the least of their concerns, but this time around, they had much more trouble. They couldn't get pregnant, and they had no idea why.
So brings us back to where I started off, with my mama on her knees in the bedroom. My mother recalls that at this point she knew something wasn't working and that her only option was to go to God....and so she did. Both my parents spent time praying, hoping to receive some answer or sign from God, and eventually, they received what they were looking for in the craziest of ways. Upon meeting up after praying, my parents both revealed what they thought God had spoken into their hearts. My mother heard, "Try for three more months." My father heard, "Try until June." June was exactly three months later. It was a crazy coincidence, and they knew it was the Lord speaking to them. They waited and tried until June, and only a few short weeks later discovered they were finally pregnant...with TWINS.
My parents were equally surprised and concerned to find out about their new pregnancy because there was still a good chance that with my mother's condition she couldn't carry us full term. In the months to come, our family-to-be was surrounded by prayer and support, and God was faithful. My sister and I were born two months early, but we had no major medical issues or concerns and left the hospital after a month in the neonatal intensive care unit. Not your normal birth story, but for our family, it was nothing short of a miracle.
After all that they'd been through, my parents named me "Hope" because of the indescribable hope my mom says she felt when she prayed for us to be a reality. My parents named my sister "Janae," which means God has answered. Indeed, He did! And I feel just as blessed to have my parents as they feel to have me.
With that foundation, having been "prayed into existence" as my parents say, I grew up in a loving environment with a Christian family, going to church every week and saying prayers before bed. But it wasn't until I was about ten years old that Jesus really stepped into my life and I feel my faith truly became my own.
It was at age ten that my grandfather passed away due to pancreatic cancer. That was the first family death I had ever experienced. I was (and really I still am!) a sensitive little girl, and it hit me hard. I remember coming home from his funeral and crying in the shower. My tears fell and so did my worries, concerns, mourning, and pain. It was the first time I ever really had to cry out to God. It was my only response. My grandfather was in heaven now, and any connection I had to him comforted my heart. And so I believe that's why God chose that specific moment to truly make Himself real to me.
Amidst the mourning and the sadness, I felt this sense of peace. It was like the pain was still there and the tears were still flowing, but they were accompanied by a sense of calmness and even joy beyond my understanding. I began to hear the Lord say, "Child, you are okay. Come and just rest in me." On the night of the funeral, God embraced me in the like the biggest bear hug ever, and it changed my life. I leaned on Him heavily during that time, and each night in the shower I found myself continuing to connect back with Him. I began to know and understand His grace and the power of His Spirit, and I tried to seek Him in every action, just wanting to please this good good God I had come to know.
In that time He provided so much growth, revealed so much of His love, and gave me so much peace, but there were definitely moments of difficulty too. As I began to know and love Him more, Satan tried to step in, and for the next few years, the love that Christ had filled my life with was also combated by overwhelming fear and anxiety. I struggled with fears of robbers, terrorists, ghosts, cancer, natural disasters--you name it--and I worried about my grades, performance, and identity, While His love never changed for me, I began to distort it in my own OCD/anxiety way, and looking back, I can see that I started to mistakenly and unconsciously view the Lord as more of a judging, stern God, not as the loving Father He truly is. I knew He loved me, but I forgot what that meant, and instead I condemned myself for each and every mistake or sin I made and busied my brain trying to think of ways to please Him. I didn't realize it then, but I was burning my little heart out with the heavy expectations I had self-inflicted meanwhile missing out on the love and GRACE of God, the pure, unearned favor He had for me simply because I was His child.
Again, flash forward a couple years, and my anxiety lessens but the hard-on-myself, perfectionistic attitude does not. I'm in sixth grade at this point and had just started middle school and along with that became a part of our church's student ministry. A few months in, I went on my first Winter Retreat, and there the Lord opened my eyes again to the goodness of His love. I don't remember the night super well, but I remember what the speaker said during the worship service. He was going over the Resurrection story but eventually broke into really explaining the power of what that meant for our lives. I just remember Him saying at one point over and over again, "He loves you. He loves you. He loves YOU. He loves you, He loves you, He LOVES you." It sounds super silly on the computer or your phone to read, but I can tell you it impacted me. The presence of God's Holy Spirit was in that sanctuary that night, and I recognized and reconnected with His love, accepting Him officially into my life for the first time, and decided to continue to seek after Him for the rest of my life.
The years since then have been interesting twists and turns of emotion and life that I could tell you in another blog post twice as long as this one, but in every moment, He's teaching me and showing me more of His love. Since that night on the retreat, I've had several run-ins again with anxiety and other troubles in the lives of myself, my friends, and my family. But the Lord, oh how He has been there through it all! Oh, how His love has never changed! And oh, how I love that He teaches me more everyday about Him, shows me more of His goodness and more of His grace. With each struggle has come a greater understanding of Him and growth in my faith. I love that in each part of my life He's shown me this constant story of turning the broken into beautiful, the bad into good, the pain into wonder, the ugly into awesome. And isn't that what He does? Isn't that the heart of who He is? God makes all things beautiful, He makes all things new. That is something I celebrate and long to bring to every person who reads this blog and every person I come into contact with. I am not perfect at doing that. I am by no means a perfect Christian or a perfect person. But I serve a good, good Father, and I love that He does not measure me by my own performance or attempts at perfection. He loves me as His daughter. And He has made my brokenness beautiful.
These are two verses He has really spoken to me as I've been writing this post and reminiscing on this crazy journey of life He's brought me on. I pray they encourage you and speak into your heart more about the love of God.
{Psalm 30:11} "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."
{Psalm 34:5} "Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame."
As I [try to!] wrap up this novel of a post, I am praying for you. Praying that as I have shared my story, you would see Christ and not me. Praying you would know His love better. Praying that you would have courage to share your own story with others, however crazy or wacky or weird it may be. And praying that He continues to show you more just how much He loves you and who you are in His love as a daughter, son, child of faith.
I love each of you reading this so much (even if I don't know you!), but the Lord loves you unbelievably more. If you ever want to talk or have anything I can be praying for you for or encouraging you in specifically, please please reach out to me. I would love to do that for you in the love He has blessed me with. ;)
Love always,
Hope
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Dad Knows Best, Part Two
In part one of this post, I discussed the importance (and payoff!) of trusting God with wherever He leads. This is something I've always learned in the church, but it had not become real for me until a few months ago when I first began to consider going on an international mission trip with Ambassadors, a part of an organization called Adventures in Missions that allows high school students to be international missionaries for 2-4 week periods. I have always dreamt of someday doing an international mission, but I never considered that time could be now until I found out about Ambassadors. I didn't even know that AIM had trips for high school students before actually looking at their website one day. (Ambassadors and AIM are fantastic organizations, by the way! I encourage you to check out their website here, whether or not you're even interested in missions! The stories they share are amazing and God is so evidently moving in their work.)
After several weeks of praying and dreaming, I felt like God might have been calling me to go. In some ways, it felt like perfect timing...but in many other ways it didn't, especially considering my age and my lack of mission-magnitude-money-making skills. ;p
I had been stressed before just over making the decision to even pursue this opportunity, so just having a clearer idea that it was what I was supposed to do made me feel better. I decided to talk to my parents about it and seriously begin working towards a mission this summer. I finally had a plan and felt relieved. Everything was going so well until just a few days later that same week when one of the directors from my church's student ministry invited me to apply for a Christian leadership camp at a stateside university. And that's when I was just like, "Okay, Lord...wow. This is awesome, but now I have absolutely no earthly idea what you want me to do." To which I heard Him promptly reply, "That's okay. You don't have to know what to do but I do--I already do--and you can trust that WHEREVER I lead you is gonna be good." And for the first time in all my tough decisions, I truly felt at peace and okay with whatever He had planned for me.
So almost exactly a week after I had previously decided to go on an Ambassadors mission to Guatemala or the Philippines, I applied instead for the camp at Asbury University in Kentucky...and honestly, I couldn't be happier with my decision. It was a little tricky at first, and I was caught completely off guard since I thought I would be going on a mission trip. I look back at that plan that I had and just smile...because the Lord ended up making it so clear in a variety of ways that this was what I am meant to do in this season, and I love seeing the ways that He orchestrated everything to where I would eventually arrive at this place.
One thing that I started doing as soon as I began to pray about the mission was contact friends to pray for me and share their mission experiences. The answers and advice I received were all so helpful, but one of my friends shared a comment that really struck me.
"Instead of praying and asking if He wants you to go....start praying, 'Lord, if you want me there, start providing.' Whether that means opportunities or financial means to conversations--He will abundantly provide if that's what He wants!"
Looking at all the aspects of this camp, I think that this is what God is providing. Money had been a concern with taking the mission, whereas the camp cost significantly less. The mission would provide an amazing experience sharing God's Gospel worldwide, but the camp would give me practical ways to live out my faith and call to disciple here where I am now. I'm not sure if possibly next year He'll have a mission trip in His plans for me, but either way I am trusting because I have seen that His plans are good, especially through discerning for this experience in the past few months!
I think the hardest part of it all was just learning to listen to the Lord and be open to anything He might say. I so so struggle to listen and discern His will...I already am a horrible quick decision maker and trying to tackle that on a God sized scale has always been super difficult and stressful for me, but through this season, the Lord has taught me He is so worthy of trust. His plans for me are good. He is not here to crush my dreams. Let me say it again: His plans for me are good.
I remember for some reason thinking that I wanted to go on the mission, and He probably had the opposite in mind and I was just listening to my own heart talking....as if because I wanted something it certainly couldn't be His will. But I heard Him whisper to me in that moment, "No, child. I want good things for you. Maybe this is your voice, but maybe, just maybe, it's mine. Don't discount an option because of your own ideas about it." That gave me peace and freedom to feel whatever emotions I felt about the idea of mission work and reminded me that while my instinct isn't always God's plan, it also isn't necessarily NOT His plan.
In all of this, He revealed to me more of His truth and goodness...as He always does! I love that amidst all the twists and turns my summer plans have made, I see Him working in all of it.
"Blessed is she who has believed the Lord would fulfill His promises to her." Luke 1:45
He promised me He would provide, and He was so so faithful in the most beautiful way.
Honestly, I couldn't be more excited. While it wasn't my original plan, I truly am so thankful and blessed by this opportunity...and again, it just reassures me once more that my Heavenly Father truly does know best.
After several weeks of praying and dreaming, I felt like God might have been calling me to go. In some ways, it felt like perfect timing...but in many other ways it didn't, especially considering my age and my lack of mission-magnitude-money-making skills. ;p
I had been stressed before just over making the decision to even pursue this opportunity, so just having a clearer idea that it was what I was supposed to do made me feel better. I decided to talk to my parents about it and seriously begin working towards a mission this summer. I finally had a plan and felt relieved. Everything was going so well until just a few days later that same week when one of the directors from my church's student ministry invited me to apply for a Christian leadership camp at a stateside university. And that's when I was just like, "Okay, Lord...wow. This is awesome, but now I have absolutely no earthly idea what you want me to do." To which I heard Him promptly reply, "That's okay. You don't have to know what to do but I do--I already do--and you can trust that WHEREVER I lead you is gonna be good." And for the first time in all my tough decisions, I truly felt at peace and okay with whatever He had planned for me.
So almost exactly a week after I had previously decided to go on an Ambassadors mission to Guatemala or the Philippines, I applied instead for the camp at Asbury University in Kentucky...and honestly, I couldn't be happier with my decision. It was a little tricky at first, and I was caught completely off guard since I thought I would be going on a mission trip. I look back at that plan that I had and just smile...because the Lord ended up making it so clear in a variety of ways that this was what I am meant to do in this season, and I love seeing the ways that He orchestrated everything to where I would eventually arrive at this place.
One thing that I started doing as soon as I began to pray about the mission was contact friends to pray for me and share their mission experiences. The answers and advice I received were all so helpful, but one of my friends shared a comment that really struck me.
"Instead of praying and asking if He wants you to go....start praying, 'Lord, if you want me there, start providing.' Whether that means opportunities or financial means to conversations--He will abundantly provide if that's what He wants!"
Looking at all the aspects of this camp, I think that this is what God is providing. Money had been a concern with taking the mission, whereas the camp cost significantly less. The mission would provide an amazing experience sharing God's Gospel worldwide, but the camp would give me practical ways to live out my faith and call to disciple here where I am now. I'm not sure if possibly next year He'll have a mission trip in His plans for me, but either way I am trusting because I have seen that His plans are good, especially through discerning for this experience in the past few months!
I think the hardest part of it all was just learning to listen to the Lord and be open to anything He might say. I so so struggle to listen and discern His will...I already am a horrible quick decision maker and trying to tackle that on a God sized scale has always been super difficult and stressful for me, but through this season, the Lord has taught me He is so worthy of trust. His plans for me are good. He is not here to crush my dreams. Let me say it again: His plans for me are good.
I remember for some reason thinking that I wanted to go on the mission, and He probably had the opposite in mind and I was just listening to my own heart talking....as if because I wanted something it certainly couldn't be His will. But I heard Him whisper to me in that moment, "No, child. I want good things for you. Maybe this is your voice, but maybe, just maybe, it's mine. Don't discount an option because of your own ideas about it." That gave me peace and freedom to feel whatever emotions I felt about the idea of mission work and reminded me that while my instinct isn't always God's plan, it also isn't necessarily NOT His plan.
In all of this, He revealed to me more of His truth and goodness...as He always does! I love that amidst all the twists and turns my summer plans have made, I see Him working in all of it.
"Blessed is she who has believed the Lord would fulfill His promises to her." Luke 1:45
He promised me He would provide, and He was so so faithful in the most beautiful way.
Honestly, I couldn't be more excited. While it wasn't my original plan, I truly am so thankful and blessed by this opportunity...and again, it just reassures me once more that my Heavenly Father truly does know best.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
I Saw Hope in Rocky Ford
How do I sum up the past five days of my life? They've been exhausting, joyous, eye opening, and beautiful. I honestly can't do justice for the work God did in Rocky Ford this past week. But the one word that He consistently brings to my mind?
HOPE.
Which is kinda awkward for me to write because 1) that's my own name and 2) that is one heck of a word to use, filled with such great power and meaning. However, I truly believe this is the word God has placed on my heart for Rocky Ford, the kind of hope only He can bring.
From the start of this little trip with my youth group, the Lord was clearly placing signs of hope in my path. When you travel 12 hours through barren plains and ghost towns, you learn a lot more about hope than you ever thought you knew. When the entire duration of your drive through the Oklahoma panhandle provides you with no phone service, you learn a lot about hope. And when you venture through a town called Happy, Texas and can't even find an open building to use the restroom in, I can assure you, you learn a lot about hope! It was in these little moments I first felt God truly opening my heart to this idea of hope.
We arrived in Rocky Ford around 6:30 in the evening, and though the sun was setting, I could already see some of the character of the little town. Rocky Ford is a tiny city located in southeastern Colorado, and unlike much of the remaining and better-known areas of Colorado, it has no mountain views and no timber woods. In fact, Rocky Ford looks a lot like a town in West Texas or Oklahoma or Nebraska: just a plain, rural farming community. Rocky Ford is not the prettiest of places, and it's not a hopping tourist destination...but it's one of the most beautiful, hope-inspiring, Jesus-shining cities I've ever been to.
The town has only one high school, one movie theater, and no malls. The closest thing they have to a shopping strip is the little line of shops found on Main Street, and even there many businesses have closed their doors due to lack of business. When I first saw Rocky Ford in the daylight, it was kinda hard to grasp coming from my booming hometown. I have seen plenty of small towns before, but Rocky Ford was different; Rocky Ford had little hope.
Our first day in the city confirmed the vibe I got just from seeing the downtown strip. After hearing from the city manager, we learned that the people of Rocky Ford needed God's hope in more ways than we knew. A heroine epidemic, plentiful poverty, and an empty tax base were all hitting Rocky Ford...and hard. As we continued through the week, doing things like prayer walks and meeting with community leaders, we learned even further the depth of the need in the city. I had no idea. It was so much more than my eye could see. God showed me that even Rocky Ford hid brokenness and pain. It hurt, shocked, and puzzled me.
But He didn't end there.
As God showed me the need in the community, He also showed an abundance of His hope and provision. He showed me hope at the First United Methodist Church of Rocky Ford, where church members served and ate chili with us and little old ladies came up to kiss my cheeks and give me giant love-filled hugs. In meeting local farmers and hearing about their migrant workers, He whispered ideas into my brain to bring hope to them. Hearing the giggles and squeals from the church preschool when our students came to visit them...that brought me hope. CHRIST showed me HOPE in Rocky Ford, and it was so, so beautiful.
HOPE.
Which is kinda awkward for me to write because 1) that's my own name and 2) that is one heck of a word to use, filled with such great power and meaning. However, I truly believe this is the word God has placed on my heart for Rocky Ford, the kind of hope only He can bring.
From the start of this little trip with my youth group, the Lord was clearly placing signs of hope in my path. When you travel 12 hours through barren plains and ghost towns, you learn a lot more about hope than you ever thought you knew. When the entire duration of your drive through the Oklahoma panhandle provides you with no phone service, you learn a lot about hope. And when you venture through a town called Happy, Texas and can't even find an open building to use the restroom in, I can assure you, you learn a lot about hope! It was in these little moments I first felt God truly opening my heart to this idea of hope.
We arrived in Rocky Ford around 6:30 in the evening, and though the sun was setting, I could already see some of the character of the little town. Rocky Ford is a tiny city located in southeastern Colorado, and unlike much of the remaining and better-known areas of Colorado, it has no mountain views and no timber woods. In fact, Rocky Ford looks a lot like a town in West Texas or Oklahoma or Nebraska: just a plain, rural farming community. Rocky Ford is not the prettiest of places, and it's not a hopping tourist destination...but it's one of the most beautiful, hope-inspiring, Jesus-shining cities I've ever been to.
The town has only one high school, one movie theater, and no malls. The closest thing they have to a shopping strip is the little line of shops found on Main Street, and even there many businesses have closed their doors due to lack of business. When I first saw Rocky Ford in the daylight, it was kinda hard to grasp coming from my booming hometown. I have seen plenty of small towns before, but Rocky Ford was different; Rocky Ford had little hope.
Our first day in the city confirmed the vibe I got just from seeing the downtown strip. After hearing from the city manager, we learned that the people of Rocky Ford needed God's hope in more ways than we knew. A heroine epidemic, plentiful poverty, and an empty tax base were all hitting Rocky Ford...and hard. As we continued through the week, doing things like prayer walks and meeting with community leaders, we learned even further the depth of the need in the city. I had no idea. It was so much more than my eye could see. God showed me that even Rocky Ford hid brokenness and pain. It hurt, shocked, and puzzled me.
But He didn't end there.
As God showed me the need in the community, He also showed an abundance of His hope and provision. He showed me hope at the First United Methodist Church of Rocky Ford, where church members served and ate chili with us and little old ladies came up to kiss my cheeks and give me giant love-filled hugs. In meeting local farmers and hearing about their migrant workers, He whispered ideas into my brain to bring hope to them. Hearing the giggles and squeals from the church preschool when our students came to visit them...that brought me hope. CHRIST showed me HOPE in Rocky Ford, and it was so, so beautiful.
We spent only three days in Rocky Ford, but I felt like I learned so much about this precious city within that short time frame. More than that, I learned about God and His love for ALL people. The meek and the strong. The big and the small. His love is there with them. His love is everywhere, in all places, and it fills all things. What a JOY that is to witness.
I won't be back in Rocky Ford until our mission trip there this June, and that pains and excites my heart all at the same time! For right now, I am focusing on praying for my sweet new brothers and sisters in Rocky Ford as well as praising God--in advance--for the work I know He will do with our mission this summer. Would you please consider praying with me also, starting now, for this beautiful city? Even though you might not have been there yet, I can guarantee you that God has AMAZING things in store for this place, and I long for you to see the same hope I saw this past week lived out in Rocky Ford. Because HOPE is exactly what is happening here.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Dad Knows Best, Part One
I find it funny how sometimes I think I know what's best for me.
Allow me to explain with an example.
Over the Presidents Day weekend, our family took a small road trip through the Hill Country. We ended up passing this river crossing in the middle of nowhere, and I encouraged our dad to stop the car so we could get out and take some photos. Out of concern that there would not be a good access point to get to the river, our dad decided not to stop and told us to just keep going to look for more another opportunity.
I'll admit I felt a little disappointed. What if we had just missed the perfect photo op? (I know, it might sound like a minimal concern, but for a family who drives out 50 miles just to get some pretty pics, it was an actual worry!) However, I wasn't about to disagree with my dad...and I ended up being so glad I didn't. We eventually passed this beautiful property, where even through the fence we could see the river. I could tell even from the outside that it would make a gorgeous photo, but as we passed, I never even considered going on the property to get to it. There may not have been a gate, but it was still someone else's land, and this girl did NOT want to get caught trespassing. My dad offered to turn around and I wanted to protest, but before I could say anything, we were headed back.
My worrywart brain was sounding its alarm as soon as we crossed into the driveway, but that anxiety quickly turned to sheer excitement. The land was absolutely stunning. Literally the BEST place we could have been for pictures. I looked to my right and I saw river, I looked to my left and I saw river, and I looked down and I saw river. We ended up getting out of the car and wading in the water for a few minutes, snapping some of my favorite photos from that day. It was a blast...even if I had felt a tad bit nervous at first.
That stop was probably the highlight of my day, but, honestly, without my dad there, I probably would have just as easily passed that perfect photo op, thinking it was too dangerous.
And as we left, that's when it hit me: how often do I not act the same with God? In my brain, I insist that my life should go a certain path or things should be a certain way because I truly believe that is what's best for me. I find it funny how I think I know what I'm doing, how so often I believe I know what's best for me, and yet I soon suddenly realize I was choosing so so wrong for me. In fact it was never my job to judge "what was best for me" at all. When I lift it all up to Him, I realize, low and behold, my Heavenly Father has had the very best plans for me all along.
“However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him-these are the things God has revealed to us by His spirit."
{1 Corinthians 2:9-10 NIV}
Sometimes we're looking for a place to just stop and take pretty pictures, and He just calmly, cooly tells us to wait, only to grab our hand minutes later and pull us into the actual river, allowing us to get a greater view than we could have ever imagined.
Sometimes waiting for that one crazy beautiful moment takes trusting in Him and ignoring the temptation to rely on our own judgment and personal experience. It might even take trusting that the risks you take to get there could be all worth it.
It's our human nature to rely on self judgment and personal experience, but what would it look like if instead we placed our lives into the hands of our loving father, whose plans for us go way beyond our wildest dreams? What if instead of accusing God of shutting down our dreams, why don't we consider the fact, the solid, cold hard truth that He simply has something better in store? His plans are for good. He is for you. His plans will never fail.
I think it's easy to get caught up in worldly plans made by worldly people, but His plans are greater and His ways are higher, and if we follow Him, we will never regret the choices we make.
I know this truth and I rest in it: my sweet dad in heaven really does know best.
P.S. The Lord has so awesomely made this lesson evident in my life in the past few months with a recent opportunity I was given. I can't wait to share it with you next week in Part Two of this post!
Allow me to explain with an example.
Over the Presidents Day weekend, our family took a small road trip through the Hill Country. We ended up passing this river crossing in the middle of nowhere, and I encouraged our dad to stop the car so we could get out and take some photos. Out of concern that there would not be a good access point to get to the river, our dad decided not to stop and told us to just keep going to look for more another opportunity.
I'll admit I felt a little disappointed. What if we had just missed the perfect photo op? (I know, it might sound like a minimal concern, but for a family who drives out 50 miles just to get some pretty pics, it was an actual worry!) However, I wasn't about to disagree with my dad...and I ended up being so glad I didn't. We eventually passed this beautiful property, where even through the fence we could see the river. I could tell even from the outside that it would make a gorgeous photo, but as we passed, I never even considered going on the property to get to it. There may not have been a gate, but it was still someone else's land, and this girl did NOT want to get caught trespassing. My dad offered to turn around and I wanted to protest, but before I could say anything, we were headed back.
My worrywart brain was sounding its alarm as soon as we crossed into the driveway, but that anxiety quickly turned to sheer excitement. The land was absolutely stunning. Literally the BEST place we could have been for pictures. I looked to my right and I saw river, I looked to my left and I saw river, and I looked down and I saw river. We ended up getting out of the car and wading in the water for a few minutes, snapping some of my favorite photos from that day. It was a blast...even if I had felt a tad bit nervous at first.
That stop was probably the highlight of my day, but, honestly, without my dad there, I probably would have just as easily passed that perfect photo op, thinking it was too dangerous.
And as we left, that's when it hit me: how often do I not act the same with God? In my brain, I insist that my life should go a certain path or things should be a certain way because I truly believe that is what's best for me. I find it funny how I think I know what I'm doing, how so often I believe I know what's best for me, and yet I soon suddenly realize I was choosing so so wrong for me. In fact it was never my job to judge "what was best for me" at all. When I lift it all up to Him, I realize, low and behold, my Heavenly Father has had the very best plans for me all along.
“However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him-these are the things God has revealed to us by His spirit."
{1 Corinthians 2:9-10 NIV}
Sometimes we're looking for a place to just stop and take pretty pictures, and He just calmly, cooly tells us to wait, only to grab our hand minutes later and pull us into the actual river, allowing us to get a greater view than we could have ever imagined.
Sometimes waiting for that one crazy beautiful moment takes trusting in Him and ignoring the temptation to rely on our own judgment and personal experience. It might even take trusting that the risks you take to get there could be all worth it.
It's our human nature to rely on self judgment and personal experience, but what would it look like if instead we placed our lives into the hands of our loving father, whose plans for us go way beyond our wildest dreams? What if instead of accusing God of shutting down our dreams, why don't we consider the fact, the solid, cold hard truth that He simply has something better in store? His plans are for good. He is for you. His plans will never fail.
I think it's easy to get caught up in worldly plans made by worldly people, but His plans are greater and His ways are higher, and if we follow Him, we will never regret the choices we make.
P.S. The Lord has so awesomely made this lesson evident in my life in the past few months with a recent opportunity I was given. I can't wait to share it with you next week in Part Two of this post!
Friday, February 12, 2016
When You Feel Unwanted
I know how you feel.
When you look at the mirror and all you can see is the chubiness of your cheeks or the bigness of your nose or that ugly pimply formation that's constantly gaining size on your face. When you check your grades and you're the only one who bombed that last test. When you hear others laugh and you can't help but believe it's at you. When you feel like you are worth absolutely nothing and you feel anything, ANYTHING but wanted.
There are days I feel beautiful and loved and confident. But there are days when I look in the mirror and feel like literal poop.
But can I tell you something? Can I speak some truth right now that the Savior has placed in my heart to share, even though even I still have trouble sometimes believing it?
These are lies. These statements and claims our little brains make about ourselves, these measures and standards our teachers and parents and bosses and friends hold us to. Oh, they'll tell us all day we are unworthy. But Christ---Christ says we are more than enough.
Because of His perfect sacrifice on the cross, we are enough. We are made righteous, not by anything we have done or could do or any way we could act or anything we could say. You are loved not for what good you have done, what bad you have done, what good you haven't done, or what bad you haven't done. You are loved, friend, because you are His.
That's just that.
Allow me, just for a moment, to say this blessing over you.
You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. (Song of Solomon 4:7)
You are awesome. You are just really super cool. YOU are. Reading this right now, you are loved. I can say that because I don't care who you are, and neither does Christ. He just knows you're His, and that is enough for Him.
You deserve a huge love. You are awesome. And quite frankly there's nothing you can do that would ever change that.
You don't need to keep searching for love. LOVE IS HERE. And child, you are more than enough.
When you look at the mirror and all you can see is the chubiness of your cheeks or the bigness of your nose or that ugly pimply formation that's constantly gaining size on your face. When you check your grades and you're the only one who bombed that last test. When you hear others laugh and you can't help but believe it's at you. When you feel like you are worth absolutely nothing and you feel anything, ANYTHING but wanted.
There are days I feel beautiful and loved and confident. But there are days when I look in the mirror and feel like literal poop.
Or in the side view mirror of a car. That works too. This day was especially poopy.
There are a million reasons I could give. The ways I constantly mess up in my life. The stupid mistakes I make on countless math worksheets. The silly things I've said or how I have THE most obnoxious laugh. We constantly criticize ourselves for every little thing. Though our criticism seems so small, it all adds up...and we end up feeling like we are of little value at all. We end up feeling worthless. I know because I have been there.But can I tell you something? Can I speak some truth right now that the Savior has placed in my heart to share, even though even I still have trouble sometimes believing it?
These are lies. These statements and claims our little brains make about ourselves, these measures and standards our teachers and parents and bosses and friends hold us to. Oh, they'll tell us all day we are unworthy. But Christ---Christ says we are more than enough.
Because of His perfect sacrifice on the cross, we are enough. We are made righteous, not by anything we have done or could do or any way we could act or anything we could say. You are loved not for what good you have done, what bad you have done, what good you haven't done, or what bad you haven't done. You are loved, friend, because you are His.
That's just that.
Allow me, just for a moment, to say this blessing over you.
You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. (Song of Solomon 4:7)
You are awesome. You are just really super cool. YOU are. Reading this right now, you are loved. I can say that because I don't care who you are, and neither does Christ. He just knows you're His, and that is enough for Him.
You deserve a huge love. You are awesome. And quite frankly there's nothing you can do that would ever change that.
You don't need to keep searching for love. LOVE IS HERE. And child, you are more than enough.
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