Because my mother was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix, it was incredibly difficult for her to carry a baby full term. Several years before my birth she faced the loss of Caleb, my brother, at 18 weeks, and a year later, my sister, Alayna, at 20 weeks. Her third attempt ended in a first trimester miscarriage. After that third miscarriage, my parents began to worry they would never have a successful pregnancy. Still, they tried once more...but this time was different. Normally, they found they were able to conceive rather quickly after trying, and at this point, fertility was the least of their concerns, but this time around, they had much more trouble. They couldn't get pregnant, and they had no idea why.
So brings us back to where I started off, with my mama on her knees in the bedroom. My mother recalls that at this point she knew something wasn't working and that her only option was to go to God....and so she did. Both my parents spent time praying, hoping to receive some answer or sign from God, and eventually, they received what they were looking for in the craziest of ways. Upon meeting up after praying, my parents both revealed what they thought God had spoken into their hearts. My mother heard, "Try for three more months." My father heard, "Try until June." June was exactly three months later. It was a crazy coincidence, and they knew it was the Lord speaking to them. They waited and tried until June, and only a few short weeks later discovered they were finally pregnant...with TWINS.
My parents were equally surprised and concerned to find out about their new pregnancy because there was still a good chance that with my mother's condition she couldn't carry us full term. In the months to come, our family-to-be was surrounded by prayer and support, and God was faithful. My sister and I were born two months early, but we had no major medical issues or concerns and left the hospital after a month in the neonatal intensive care unit. Not your normal birth story, but for our family, it was nothing short of a miracle.
After all that they'd been through, my parents named me "Hope" because of the indescribable hope my mom says she felt when she prayed for us to be a reality. My parents named my sister "Janae," which means God has answered. Indeed, He did! And I feel just as blessed to have my parents as they feel to have me.
With that foundation, having been "prayed into existence" as my parents say, I grew up in a loving environment with a Christian family, going to church every week and saying prayers before bed. But it wasn't until I was about ten years old that Jesus really stepped into my life and I feel my faith truly became my own.
It was at age ten that my grandfather passed away due to pancreatic cancer. That was the first family death I had ever experienced. I was (and really I still am!) a sensitive little girl, and it hit me hard. I remember coming home from his funeral and crying in the shower. My tears fell and so did my worries, concerns, mourning, and pain. It was the first time I ever really had to cry out to God. It was my only response. My grandfather was in heaven now, and any connection I had to him comforted my heart. And so I believe that's why God chose that specific moment to truly make Himself real to me.
Amidst the mourning and the sadness, I felt this sense of peace. It was like the pain was still there and the tears were still flowing, but they were accompanied by a sense of calmness and even joy beyond my understanding. I began to hear the Lord say, "Child, you are okay. Come and just rest in me." On the night of the funeral, God embraced me in the like the biggest bear hug ever, and it changed my life. I leaned on Him heavily during that time, and each night in the shower I found myself continuing to connect back with Him. I began to know and understand His grace and the power of His Spirit, and I tried to seek Him in every action, just wanting to please this good good God I had come to know.
In that time He provided so much growth, revealed so much of His love, and gave me so much peace, but there were definitely moments of difficulty too. As I began to know and love Him more, Satan tried to step in, and for the next few years, the love that Christ had filled my life with was also combated by overwhelming fear and anxiety. I struggled with fears of robbers, terrorists, ghosts, cancer, natural disasters--you name it--and I worried about my grades, performance, and identity, While His love never changed for me, I began to distort it in my own OCD/anxiety way, and looking back, I can see that I started to mistakenly and unconsciously view the Lord as more of a judging, stern God, not as the loving Father He truly is. I knew He loved me, but I forgot what that meant, and instead I condemned myself for each and every mistake or sin I made and busied my brain trying to think of ways to please Him. I didn't realize it then, but I was burning my little heart out with the heavy expectations I had self-inflicted meanwhile missing out on the love and GRACE of God, the pure, unearned favor He had for me simply because I was His child.
Again, flash forward a couple years, and my anxiety lessens but the hard-on-myself, perfectionistic attitude does not. I'm in sixth grade at this point and had just started middle school and along with that became a part of our church's student ministry. A few months in, I went on my first Winter Retreat, and there the Lord opened my eyes again to the goodness of His love. I don't remember the night super well, but I remember what the speaker said during the worship service. He was going over the Resurrection story but eventually broke into really explaining the power of what that meant for our lives. I just remember Him saying at one point over and over again, "He loves you. He loves you. He loves YOU. He loves you, He loves you, He LOVES you." It sounds super silly on the computer or your phone to read, but I can tell you it impacted me. The presence of God's Holy Spirit was in that sanctuary that night, and I recognized and reconnected with His love, accepting Him officially into my life for the first time, and decided to continue to seek after Him for the rest of my life.
The years since then have been interesting twists and turns of emotion and life that I could tell you in another blog post twice as long as this one, but in every moment, He's teaching me and showing me more of His love. Since that night on the retreat, I've had several run-ins again with anxiety and other troubles in the lives of myself, my friends, and my family. But the Lord, oh how He has been there through it all! Oh, how His love has never changed! And oh, how I love that He teaches me more everyday about Him, shows me more of His goodness and more of His grace. With each struggle has come a greater understanding of Him and growth in my faith. I love that in each part of my life He's shown me this constant story of turning the broken into beautiful, the bad into good, the pain into wonder, the ugly into awesome. And isn't that what He does? Isn't that the heart of who He is? God makes all things beautiful, He makes all things new. That is something I celebrate and long to bring to every person who reads this blog and every person I come into contact with. I am not perfect at doing that. I am by no means a perfect Christian or a perfect person. But I serve a good, good Father, and I love that He does not measure me by my own performance or attempts at perfection. He loves me as His daughter. And He has made my brokenness beautiful.
These are two verses He has really spoken to me as I've been writing this post and reminiscing on this crazy journey of life He's brought me on. I pray they encourage you and speak into your heart more about the love of God.
{Psalm 30:11} "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."
{Psalm 34:5} "Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame."
As I [try to!] wrap up this novel of a post, I am praying for you. Praying that as I have shared my story, you would see Christ and not me. Praying you would know His love better. Praying that you would have courage to share your own story with others, however crazy or wacky or weird it may be. And praying that He continues to show you more just how much He loves you and who you are in His love as a daughter, son, child of faith.
I love each of you reading this so much (even if I don't know you!), but the Lord loves you unbelievably more. If you ever want to talk or have anything I can be praying for you for or encouraging you in specifically, please please reach out to me. I would love to do that for you in the love He has blessed me with. ;)
Love always,
Hope
